1:45AM_ Pain rips through my chest. Not even close to what I assume is the pain of a heart attack but one that cuts and scars much so deep. A hopeless pain. A desire lost. Flagrant. Emasculating. That's how it feels...emasculating. Stripped of all happiness, I can only speak of pain.
And it hurts
I have practiced love in as many ways that I can but some things demand far more attention than others...and when these things show up at your door, they literally suck every bit of energy dry. No hope. No positive charge...it's all gone. The flame is lost in a flurry of words, of uncompromising actions, of careless deeds. Just like yesterday and the weeks and the months almost onto the years that preceded it. A deceptive build up of despair upon callous detachment. And now crested, the pain lingers on....still, it's not over. When will it be over? How long must I endure this pain and inner torment?
But still....I live
One day soon it'll be alright. This I am certain of. For I know the sun shall rise tomorrow signalling the dawn of a new day...a new creation...the renewal of all things free from the remains of yesterday. In this I am confident that I too can conjure a new dawn within me, a new day to rise above the pain. To stand upright and say to the world in me "I AM!"
And this I know
No matter what the circumstance, I am victorious...always will be evermore. I have the power within me to arise above anything and everything. Cause and condition, people and place, and situations in an unforgiving life...to you I say I am. You are only part of my awareness. That is all. I am in control not you. If I give power unto these things then they rule me. If I continue to be in charge of my life then I am above them. This is so.
But still it hurts...yet there is wisdom
It seems so easy to let go to the pain and lose the battle. The very will to overcome the challenges of life must be kept alert, ready, ever vigilant. Becoming less than for the sake of solace is welcome but should never be a permanent state. Just like the tide of sea....in all things there is ebb and flow. The situations of life will never always be completely joyous good times and energy....it's approach we undertake and the reactions to the situations that truly matter.
See, there must be duality. Good as to bad. Positive as to negative. Truth as to false, and so on. One aspect cannot exist without the other or the situations we encounter can never be truly felt, recognized and learned. So embrace them both equally. The pleasure and the pain...embrace them. The good and the not so good...embrace them. The things that we shun to avoid being hurt should also be free to exist, just as we allow the happiness and fleeting pleasures into our lives. This is the truth that builds us.
One should never construct a lopsided, one dimensional house because in the wake of the storm it will fall flat. We should focus on understanding ourselves as we relate to the universe and not just frenetic grabbing for everyday pleasures, then our lives will be transformed with deeper meaning.
2:00AM_ My heart is pure...calm. It feels okay now. I find my sails once again. Now I can rest to arise tomorrow...refreshed and ready for what the dawn brings.
I love you.
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